You disclosed you have herpes, use protection and now your partner has it too. What to do next!

This is one of our biggest fears when we find out we have herpes. The last thing we want is to pass it to someone else and have them experience what we went through. I mean it’s physically painful and emotionally painful. 

One of the aspects I like to bring up is normally when we’re diagnosed with herpes it came to us by surprise. Either our partner didn’t tell us or our partner didn’t know. Either way it’s a surprise. So when we’re diagnosed we’re in shock wondering how this happened, we’re physically in pain and want some relief and then we’re pissed! We’re so angry at our partners for not disclosing or not telling us. 

Moving forward when we’re in a new relationship and going to become sexually active with a partner who doesn’t have herpes the transmission is a huge fear! I get it and it’s a valid concern. 

Personally, I’ve never given a partner herpes so I can’t speak from personal experience. But I do know that this was something I was extremely worried about in a past relationship. I can remember taking the antiviral before going over to his house because I’d get so worried that if I felt something or a tingle then it would be the onset of an outbreak. I would totally stress myself out over it. Maybe it was because it was my first relationship with a new partner or maybe it was because he and I didn’t communicate that much about it. I’m not too sure. 

Here’s what I’ve learned going forward with my husband as well as what I tell members in our community. My husband, Bill, is very aware that I have herpes. I mean it’s what I do for a living so clearly he knows. Lol. But in all seriousness he knows what the risks are, he knows what herpes is all about and he trusts me to have a conversation with him letting him know if and when I have an outbreak. The bottom line is it’s his decision to have sex and it’s his decision to take that risk. 

This is what I want you to work with. If you’ve disclosed to your partner and he or she knows that you have herpes and you both were in agreement of the best ways to prevent transmission for example condoms or antiviral etc and the transmission still occurred then you have to let go of that guilt. You told them, you both decided on the best method and it still happened. At the end of the day it was their decision and you didn’t make it for them. 

I like to use the analogy of a car. So let’s say you’re the perfect driver. You get you oil changed, you have new tires, your car is cared for and up to the safety standards. Then you as the driver wear your seat belt, are not under the influence, not using your cell phone and following all the traffic rules. Just because you do all of that does not prevent you from getting in an accident. Yes, you were doing everything you could do to reduce your risk but it’s still possible for a car to run a red light or a car to forget to stop  or whatever. Basically this is the same as the possibility of transmission of herpes. You’re doing everything you can to protect your partner but he or she took on the risk and the transmission still happen. 

Forgive yourself, communicate with your partner and know that it was their choice. 

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Xoxo,

Alexandra

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