026: #askalexandra I am married and just got herpes. Is my husband cheating?
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Welcome to episode 26 of Life With Herpes! I’m back with another #AskAlexandra show, and I say this every time but it is my favorite of all of our episodes together. I love seeing your questions in my Inbox so keep them coming!
Do you have any questions of your own? If you want to send them to me go to LifeWithHerpes.com and scroll down to the bottom where you'll see the #AskAlexandra section and click on that. Fill out the Google form with your question. Remember you can remain anonymous if you want.
Speaking of questions, today's question comes from Katie in Orlando, Florida. Thanks for reaching out Katie. She has just found out she has herpes, and she's been married for five years. She wants to know if this means her husband has been cheating on her. Listen in to hear my advice to Katie and anyone else in her situation on episode 26 of Life With Herpes.
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Wow, what a big question Katie! Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable to ask this. First of all I want tell you I’m so sorry for what you are going through, and I’m here for you. Before you let yourself believe your husband has cheated and given you herpes, here are some things I want you to look at:
First: have you ever had a herpes test? Even if you have gone in for STD tests you may not have been tested for herpes, unless you specifically ask for it. And if you were tested for herpes was it negative? The same goes for your husband.
If you didn't have a herpes test prior to your diagnosis then there's no way of really knowing for sure when you got the virus.
Tweetable: “Usually the first outbreak happens within 2 days to 14 days.” -Alexandra Harbushka
Second: another thing to look at is it HSV-1 or HSV-2? HSV-1 is oral and HSV-2 is genital. In certain situations if your husband has HSV-1 there is a chance he can spread it to your genitals through oral sex. So it could be how you now have herpes. Or if you have oral herpes you could have given it to his genitals and now he's given it to yours.
And third: in some cases the herpes virus can lay dormant for a period of time. It's not often but it can happen. It’s also possible you had a very mild first outbreak in the past and the virus then went dormant til now. Or you could have acquired it and it has been dormant until now. It's rare that this happens, but it does happen. And for your understanding usually the first outbreak happens within two days to two weeks of having sex with someone who has herpes and passes it on to you.
So there are a lot of combinations and a lot of moving parts to look into before you automatically accuse your husband of cheating. But I think your question and your concern is completely valid, that would be the first thought on anyone's mind!
What I recommend you do Katie is go back through your medical records and have this conversation with your husband. Tell him how you're feeling, be vulnerable and put your cards out on the table. Doing all of that will help your relationship go to the next level. If you want to know the answer and you want to know if he's cheating, then have the conversation.
And again I'm sorry you just got the diagnosis and had your first outbreak. Join us in the private Facebook group and share your experience with you. We're there for you and would love to support you. Let us know how you’re doing and share your thoughts on today’s episode of Life With Herpes.