I Didn’t Tell Them I Have Herpes—Now What?
It’s a situation no one hopes to be in, but it happens more than we talk about. You’ve already been intimate with someone, and now you're carrying the weight of not disclosing your herpes status before that moment. Whether it was fear, shame, denial, or simply not knowing how to bring it up—you’re now facing the decision: do I tell them?
In one of our recent support group calls, this very topic came up. The truth is, you’re not alone. So many people are navigating dating with herpes and facing complex decisions in emotionally charged moments.
Here’s what we discussed—and how to move forward with honesty and compassion.
💬 Start with the Truth
If you’ve already been intimate and haven’t shared your HSV status, the most important step now is to be honest.
Yes, this may be uncomfortable. But honesty builds integrity, and you deserve to handle this in a way that brings relief and restores your self-trust. A simple way to begin is:
“I want to talk to you about something important. Before we slept together, I didn’t share something with you that I should have.”
Let the conversation flow from there. Speak from your heart, and try not to read from a script. Your vulnerability will speak louder than any rehearsed line.
🙏 Apologize Without Shame
You don’t need to grovel—but a genuine apology goes a long way. Acknowledge that they may have feelings about this, and you respect those feelings. You can say something like:
“I’m really sorry I didn’t share this with you before we were intimate. 'I was scared.' 'I was caught in the act.' I’ve since realized that you deserved to know, and I want to take responsibility.”
Don't sound like you've just shortened their life span, otherwise they will get this info as if you did. The chances you transmitted herpes to them are actually quite low, especially if you didn't have an outbreak at the time.
🧠 Offer Education, Not Fear
Many people don’t actually know what herpes is—beyond the stigma. So when you disclose, expect some confusion or fear, and be ready to gently guide the conversation with facts.
Share that:
- Most adults have HSV-1 or HSV-2 (over 67% globally for HSV-1, and around 13% for HSV-2, according to WHO).
- Herpes is manageable and often asymptomatic.
- There are ways to reduce transmission risks dramatically, including condoms, antivirals, and avoiding sex during outbreaks.
If it helps, send them resources or encourage them to do their own research.
👉 If you’re unsure how to approach this, the Tell Your Partner Toolkit offers scripts, facts, and support to guide you through.
🤝 Give Them Space to Respond
This conversation might take them by surprise. They might be kind. They might be upset. Or they might have questions. Whatever it is—they’re allowed to have their feelings, and you’re strong enough to hold space for them without shame.
Let them process. You’ve done your part by stepping up. Now, just stay grounded and respectful.
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