When Is the Right Time to Talk About Herpes (and Should You Get Tested Together?)

There’s a moment in every budding relationship when things start to feel exciting. You're vibing, texting, maybe sharing playlists and inside jokes, and you're starting to think… this could maybe go somewhere.

Then, boom — the question hits you:

And, if you’re like a lot of us in the Life With Herpes community, that moment comes with about 300 sub-questions:

Let’s take a breath. This moment doesn’t have to be terrifying. In fact, it can be a really empowering, mature, and even bonding part of dating.

There’s no perfect formula for when to disclose. Some people choose to share early on, while others wait until they’ve built a stronger emotional connection. Both are valid.

If you tell someone on date one, you might avoid wasting time — but you also risk them defining you only by your diagnosis before they get to know you. If you wait too long, you might start feeling you're deceiving them. But, let me assure you: this is not the case.

Here’s a little secret from our support group chats:

Most people feel best when they tell someone before things get physically intimate — but not so early that herpes becomes your headline instead of your human-ness.

There’s often a lot of pressure to disclose herpes status early — sometimes even before the first date. But here’s the thing: you don’t owe your story to someone who hasn’t earned a place in it yet. Before you even get to that conversation, take time to see if this is someone you genuinely want in your life. Do they make you feel safe? Are they kind, consistent, and emotionally available? Sometimes we get so caught up in worrying whether they’ll accept us, that we forget to ask if we even want to accept them. When you feel that real connection growing — when you know this person is someone worth sharing your truth with — that’s your cue. Let the relationship earn the conversation. No rush. No pressure. Just intention.

Getting tested together can be a really powerful move, especially if things are progressing toward intimacy. It shifts the conversation from you disclosing to you both owning your sexual health. It says, “This isn’t just about me — it’s about us making empowered choices.”

And guess what? Most people haven’t had a full STI panel that includes HSV testing (unless they asked for it). That can be eye-opening for your partner — and it might surprise you both.

A shared trip to the clinic (or even just ordering tests online together) can be:

You might say something like:

See how that flows? It’s honest, confident, and it makes space for a real conversation.

It’s completely normal to feel a knot in your stomach about this talk. Herpes stigma runs deep — even though it shouldn’t. But you’re not alone. Thousands of people in our community have been exactly where you are now.

If your partner is worth your time, they’ll care more about how you treat them than whether you have a virus that 1 in 2 people carry. (Yes, that’s real).

We get it — the disclosure convo is a lot. That’s why we created the Tell Your Partner Toolkit. It’s got scripts, support, and guidance from people who’ve been there. You don’t have to do this alone.

Talking about herpes doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. It can be a green flag — a sign that you're someone who’s honest, responsible, and real. And if you're wondering whether to get tested together? Go for it. It might be one of the most mature, intimate things you do as a couple.

So go slow. Stay empowered. And remember — you deserve love, respect, and honesty, herpes and all 💜