119: How NOT To Tell Your Partner You Have Herpes With Alexandra Harbushka

Life With Herpes


Hi there. So we’ve talked a ton about how to tell your partner or when to tell your partner and what to say when you tell your partner. It’s all scary and trust me I totally get it. Society has made us look like we’re bad people for having herpes and we’ve also been taught to not talk about sex. So why would talking about herpes be normal or easy?

So here are some ways to NOT tell your partner you have herpes.

A really bad time is…

When you’ve just had sex and even worse would be if you have an outbreak.

This is a really bad time to mention it. I know it’s hard to tell someone that you have herpes and it’s easier to just not say anything. But now if this is your situation you’re in a pickle. Getting your partner on the antiviral asap is key to helping them heal. I was in the mortgage industry for a number of years and people would always try to fudge their income or assets in order to purchase a home. The thing is that the truth always would come out. I mean always. So If you’re going to wait until after you have sex to let them know to remember that the truth will always come out and it’s a lot easier, to tell the truth in the beginning then ask for forgiveness.

When you’re hot and heave and the clothes are on the floor.

Yep, this is another pretty bad time. Talk about blue balls! Right before you have sex is such an exciting time. There are so many emotions flying around and probably some other things flying around for that matter. You want this to be fun, sexy and not filled with the...oh wait well I have to tell you something real quick. You only get one chance to have your first time so make sure that you prep and

Over the phone or via text

Ok, so there are sometimes when over the phone is ok. I’ll get into that but in general, this should be a conversation you have in person. I get that we use text as our main form of communication and I’m totally guilty of it. But when we’re talking about sex and something super important like your sexual health this needs to be had in person. Back to my mortgage days, sorry to bore you but I learned a ton from that era, anyway, when you have bad news it needs to be communicated in person or in the mortgage situation over the phone. So if someone could purchase the home of their dreams a text or email was a pretty lame and ass hole way to tell them. We had to either tell them in person or the next best was over the phone. When we read the text in emails or our text messages the tone and information can totally be taken out of context. I can understand if you’re dating long distance and if one of you are flying out to see the other and you want to let them know ahead of time. But, perhaps in that situation, you can facetime or skype or do some type of video chat so you both can react and see one another's expressions. This is so key in relationships.

After you’ve been dating, you’re engaged or even married.

This happens more than not. Some of you reading this are like, what married or engaged? Yep, it happens and as I’m speaking about this if this is your situation please know I’m not judging you. I get it. It’s a really hard and uncomfortable situation be in and tell your partner you have herpes and then you get further into your relationship and then all of a sudden your married and now you can’t possibly have the conversation because then your spouse will think that you’ve been lying about more things. So I get it and I’m not trying to make you feel bad about this. What I’m trying to do and I’m sure you’d agree and if you could go back and change it you would. SO what I’m trying to do is prevent others from being in this situation. Remember when I said the truth always comes out?  It somehow will a carrying all that guilt is not good for you either. Do your best to tell your partner that you have herpes. It’s just a silly skin disease and that they can catch it. That’s all it is and that’s all the attention that needs to be given to it.

On a double date or in a group setting

Ok, this is between you and your partner. Not your friends or family or whoever you want to pull into this. Dropping that you have herpes on a double date would be a bad idea. This is something you both need to talk about. There will be questions and it’s a beautiful opportunity for your relationship to grow deeper. Thinking that having this in a group setting will soften the blow or divert the attention is not a good situation.

Ok, the other bad way to tell your partner is when you’re wasted!

Again, this sounds like a great way to tell them. I hear time and time again, “oh I’ll have a couple of drinks before.” A glass of wine or a beer is a different situation than a bottle of wine and a 6 pack of beer. At that point, no important or serious convo should be happening. You should do you’re best to avoid having this conversation while inebriated.

Ok, so as you can see there are plenty of situations where it’s not the best place or situation. Also, hear me out, if you’re in one of these situations please understand that I’m not judging you or trying to make you feel bad. I think that you can agree that these situations are not the idea. And if you’re in this situation please reach out and let’s talk.

At the end of the day, communication is key. It’s hard to do because we want to protect ourselves and don't want the rejection. But you’re totally worth it and if that other person is worth it then you guys will be happy you communicated on having herpes.

Let me know your thoughts!



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