096: 5 Steps To Telling Your Partner You Have Herpes With Alexandra Harbushka

Life With Herpes 


Hi friends! I’m glad you're here. Telling anyone you have herpes can be terrifying, paralyzing, scary, alarming and the list can go on and on. Now the thought of telling someone you like and want to have a relationship can be even more frightful. Personally, I believe it goes way deeper than having herpes, it’s the fear of rejection. And the thought of being rejected for having herpes feeds into the awful stigma. The truth is, a lot of time we never really know why a lover dumps us, or why they are just “not that into you” or why they never become a lover. But now with having herpes, we use it as our scapegoat as to why a love affair didn’t work out or as a reason we never even date in the first place.

Trust me I get it! But this is the last thing I want you to feel. Take herpes out of the equation and date, have fun and fall in love.

5 simple steps to telling your partner you have herpes.


Get Your Facts Straight 

It’s important to understand yourself what is herpes. And if you are here then that is exactly what you are doing. High five to you! I hear time and time again people misconstruing what herpes actually is. Its a virus that is skin to skin transmission,  you will have the virus for the rest of your life and it causes painful blisters in either your genital region or your mouth. That’s it. It doesn’t prevent you from being healthy, happy, getting married, having children, getting the job of your dreams and most importantly it doesn’t kill you. Remember, it’s just a silly skin disease.

Practice On Your Dog 

Dogs are a man's best friend and they totally get you. If your a cat person then practice on your kitty and if your animal-free then practice in the mirror. Get whatever you want to say out. You can curse your gifter, cry on the floor, become angry, resentful or however you need to feel. Get it out. Then, start over without the anger and the rage. Telling your new love how awful or bad or wrong your pasts relationship was when you are telling them you have herpes is not the time. There will be a time and a place for it but this conversation is not that.

Do it in person, not over text

It’s my motto that when you have bad news then you need to do it in person or if that’s not available then a phone call. I use this rule of thumb from when I was in the mortgage industry, there were times when I had great news like, “your house just closed” and then there were times I had bad news like, “I’m sorry to let you know but you do not qualify for the home you would like to buy.” It’s easy to deliver good news and it’s hard to deliver bad news. It happens way to often now with our text era but when we read texts or emails we can put a different tone or twist on the message and it might not be what was meant at all. So with that being said, it’s important you tell your lover to be in person. This way he or she can see your emotions, they can see how you feel about it and learn how to talk to you about it.

Understand Why It’s Important To YOU To Tell Them 

This is a really important key ingredient for you to understand. You may or may not share this with your lover to be but it’s important for your well being to understand. Of course, there’s it's the right thing to do, or maybe your doctor told you that you need to, or maybe your best friend is giving you a guilt trip. But you need to understand why you want to tell them. My personal beliefs and don’t feel like they need to be yours but mine are; honesty is a foundation to a relationship, talking about having herpes will help you prevent transmitting it to them, and sharing something so personal will lead to deeper connection. Take some time to figure out why you feel it’s important to tell your lover you have herpes. Maybe you share this when you tell them or maybe you keep it to yourself, it’s up to you.

Get Tested Before You Sleep Together 

This means both of you! This is something that is great to add to the conversation. Firstly, if we always had this as a rule before sleeping with someone then we might not be here today. Just pointing out the obvious and I’m totally guilty too. But in all seriousness, it’s your body, you only have one body and you will never get a new body. Being diagnosed with herpes should be a wakeup call to respect it and continue to respect it. If you don’t respect your body then nobody else will. By requiring you both to get tested shows that you value their sexual health and your sexual health.  It puts you both on the same playing field rather than you coming into the relationship feeling like you are not an equal because you have herpes. Both get tested, see what the results are and talk about them. You’ve already gone through the, OMG I have herpes, I don't want to see you put yourself back in that position again.

Of course, you can take the suggestions and use them how you wish. Maybe you have a fish you want to practice on...lol. But regardless, it’s important to know you are loved, you are beautiful and do not let this microscopic silly virus prevent you from finding epic love.

If this is something you want to talk further about, I want to invite you to our 2 times a week support group. Telling your partner you have herpes is something we talk about all the time. Go to www.lifewithherpes.com/supportgroup to learn more and sign up for our next session.

Here’s How I Can Help

Join our monthly live Herpes Support Group - www.lifewithherpes.com/supportgroup

Herpes Outbreak Toolkit - //herpes-outbreak-toolkit

Emergency Call - //emergencycall/

Keep in touch with Alexandra Harbushka





Join The Live With Herpes Community

If you are ready to join a community of people who are living with herpes also then you will want to join our slack group. It is FREE and it is a great way to find the support and comfort that you are looking for. Head on over to www.lifewithherpes.com and join our community. You will receive a slack invitation as soon as you sign up. See you in there.

Ways You Can Support The Life With Herpes Show

If you enjoyed this episode as much as we enjoyed making it for you than a subscribe would be a great idea.

Are you a YouTuber? Go ahead and subscribe to the show. It is a way to pay it forward to fellow friends who are living with herpes. When you subscribe it helps the algorithm in YouTube and it helps promote the show. If you are worried about your identity and your friends finding out you subscribed to a herpes channel then change your settings to private. And trust me I totally get it and would want to keep it a secret. Also, when you subscribe you will be notified in your inbox when a new episode is out or when Alexandra is live on Youtube Live. Subscribe Here

Are you a podcast listener? Please give the Life With Herpes show a review. It is a way to pay it forward to fellow friends who are living with herpes. You can Subscribe, Rate and Review the show through your iTunes app or on the desktop. Seriously, it helps out a lot more than it is a hassle for you. You see, iTunes has an algorithm that organically promotes the show, so the more ratings and reviews the Life With Herpes Show receives then the higher it gets ranked. This is your way of paying it forward and helping someone find the show who really needs it. Oh, and you can totally use a fake name, so don’t worry about a friend finding you in the iTunes review. Talking about herpes needs to be spread as far and wide as possible. You are totally a part of this movement so THANK YOU!   Subscribe, Rate and Review[podcast src="https://html5-player.libsyn.com/embed/episode/id/6693963/height/50/width/500/theme/standard-mini/autonext/no/thumbnail/yes/autoplay/no/preload/no/no_addthis/no/direction/forward/" height="50" width="500" placement="bottom" theme="mini"]


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