043: #askalexandra My Boyfriend Wants Oral Sex, But Doesn’t Want To Give It

Ask Answer & Get The Facts About Herpes


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Life With Herpes Podcast

Welcome to episode 43 of Life With Herpes. I'm grateful to be here with you and am excited you are here with me! This is another #AskAlexandra episode where we connect personally through the questions you send to me.

If you want to be cool like the person from today’s show you can send in your own question. Go to the Life With Herpes web site and click the #AskAlexandra button on the home page. From there just fill out the form and hit submit. I only read your first name and city on the show, but check the anonymous button if you’d like complete anonymity.


Speaking of questions, today's question is from Kennedy in Brooklyn, New York. She is asking about oral sex: she gives it to her boyfriend but he won't give it to her. She has HSV-2 (genital herpes) and wants to know what she should do.


Hear the answer when you join me on episode 43 of Life With Herpes.


More About Life With Herpes


To give you the full answer Kennedy, here are a couple of things I suggest doing. First, does your boyfriend have HSV-1 or HSV-2? Find that out, have him get tested and find out if he has either strain of the virus.

Second, do you and your boyfriend have vaginal sex? If you do he is just as much at risk of contracting HSV-2 through vaginal sex as he is through oral.


Third, are you on anti-viral medication? If you are then you are doing almost everything you can to prevent transmitting it to your partner. Anti-virals greatly lessen your chance of outbreaks and lessen the viral shedding (which is when the virus is contagious). So get on an anti-viral if you aren't already.

Finally, are you using a condom? Using a condom and taking an anti-viral means you are literally doing everything possible not to transmit the virus to your boyfriend.


Getting back to the issue of oral sex, of course you want him to go down on you. It's natural and normal! I’d suggest talking with him, it’s important your boyfriend knows how much it matters to you to receive oral sex.

What I don’t recommend is playing games and refusing to give him oral sex if he isn't going to give it to you.


Instead, talk to him and explain what you are doing in order to prevent passing it on to you. Also tell him you would love to receive oral sex, and tell him about dental dams. They are like condoms for your vagina - they even come in flavors!


Tweetable: “Dental dams are like condoms for your vagina.”- Alexandra Harbushka


To sum up the answer to your question, talk with him about what is important to you, what you are doing on your end to prevent transmitting this to him and be vulnerable and open when you talk to him.


I know it's a hard conversation, but there's nothing more beautiful than sharing these conversations because they lead to a deeper, more intimate connection with your partner. Look at as an opportunity to go deeper mentally and feel more comfortable sexually with each other. It's really kind of sexy if you think about it!


Thank you Kennedy, I love this question! Let me know how it goes, send me a private message on Slack or let us all know in the Slack group. I can’t wait to hear from you after you listen to episode 43 of Life With Herpes.

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